The Charity Case Syndrome

Have you ever noticed the months following a nasty breakup, how people somehow see you as some sort of charity case? Whether its the “charitable” friend trying to play matchmaker, or some male “acquaintance” that assumes your despairity, it by far is the most fucking annoying thing on earth, if I do say so myself. In lieu of my recent “charity case” stamp on my forehead that I didn’t even notice, I had to call out several of the most annoying as shit behaviors from the people I love, and the people I love to hate.

1. The Pitying Guy Friend:

We all seem to have one of these bastards in our life. They’re always the first ones we call when a dude does us wrong, and also the ones that we cry on, curse at for the shortcomings of the other dude, and drink with. Occasionally, we have inappropriate thoughts about them, but they are usually squashed when we find them being nice to us in a brotherly way. They’re always good until they start offering you jestures that a typical boyfriend would offer you (flowers, pity dates, sometimes even sex), simply because they feel you’re too distraught to notice their blatant coming on to them.

(*note* The only time this behavior is acceptable is if they are a friend with benefits)

2. Whats-His-Face:

He’s the guy you met 2 years ago at a bar/houseparty/club/friend’s house while you were still with your man, but then got too drunk to realize that he had called his phone from your phone to get your number. He’s the guy you forget that you even know until he calls you, asking you out because the word on facebook is that you’re now single. He often acts obsessive and clingy, calling at least 7 times a day, showing up randomly at places he knows you frequent through his nonchalant research through one of your friends who is too stupid to realize that the guy is trying to scam. The worst is when you do finally give him a chance out of pity for him, you try to start a conversation on a topic of substance, but it always leads to him professing how hot he thinks you look in sweats for 2 hour blocks at a time. The shit gets old, fast.

3. The Accidental Fuck Buddy:

This is the guy you didn’t intend to sleep with, but did anyway, due to pure physical attraction and loads of alcohol. This is usually the first person to call after he heard you broke up with someone, in an attempt to get angry/passionate sex out of you, since he thinks that him being turned on by you is an automatic turn on to you. He also thinks that sex with another guy is the best revenge for being dumped. While that may be the case, who says we want to fuck you again…after all, we didn’t want to in the first place.

4.  Stupid Cupid

This is the friend (male or female) that wants to hook you up with someone because they feel bad for your breakup. This person usually is married or has a boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee/partner and typically thinks the best way to get over an ex is to date not only as many guys as possible, but also date his/her friend, who you have nothing in common with. This friend is often very un-sexy, hairy, stupid, awkward, or just plain weird.

5. Bartenders:

By far, the worst of the worst, simply because not only do they add to the crappy feelings, they also pave the way for your future abuse of alcohol. It starts when they chime into a conversation that you are having with a friend about the butt-fuck who did you wrong, and they start adding in feelings that you didn’t even know that you have, all the while refilling your cup each time you take a sip, occasionally offering shots on the house to go along with it. If they really are douchey, they will wait until you get drunk and then offer to exchange numbers for “moral support”.

So newly single ladies (meaning within the last 6 months), keep this in mind when you go out tonight: try your hardest to come off as a female pervert, by grabbing ass and flirting with anything that has a cute face without giving them your full divided attention. That way you will most likely end up being questioned about your alcohol intake as well as when and where you grew the extra large kahunas more so than them asking you if you’re okay the entire night. Just be sure dance with more than one person, since the guy grinding up on you is forming some kind of attachment as you dance.